Eternal Sunshine

I am having a "bad" day today. I wish I didn't have days like these, I wish I could have been born with the personality trait of "eternal sunshine" like that stupid Pollyanna, who becomes wheel chair bound and is still happy.
I wish I had a spouse to help me and be a dad to Korban in my home. I wish I didn't feel so "alone" in the world. I wish I had a best friend to cry too. I haven't had a best friend since I was 12. I am lonely. If I had a best friend I think I could easier deal with not having a husband/dad in the home. I would have someone to talk to and do adult things with once in a while.
I hate the never ending cycle of feeling bad for feeling bad. I wish anti-depressants were a magic pill that would make me happy like some people think. There are so many days I just want to be happy and attract good things.
I am tired of being so negative and being surrounded by it. I feel like I am doing my son a HUGE disservice by being this way. I should be a better mother. I should be a better member of the Church. I sould do my genealogy. I should just be more than I am now.
I feel like a failure as a person. I feel like God gave me all the same parts as he did everyone else and try as hard as I can I just can't get the directions right so I have built an inferior, weaker, knock off of what I should be. I have all these parts left over and I don't know where they go or what to do with them, but I know they must be important.
I anguish yet I know there are others who have had to deal with much more and there are millions worse off than me, but I am still so sad. And so sorry I can't see the benefit of my situation better at times like these.
How can I cry so many tears and have any left? Why do I some how sabotage any good opportunity that comes into my life? Why do I see the good things that the Lord puts before me and tell myself it's too good for me and push it away? Why am I so stupid!!!!!! Why am I so afraid of the good things that can happen. If I was happy all the time would I not be me any more? When will I ever feel worthy of the blessings I have?
If anyone knows the answer or can tell me what's wrong with me so I can fix it PLEASE let me know. I just want someone to love me the best. I want one person on this earth that will put me above all others (not God just Man) and SHOW me how they love me. I want someone who loves me as much as I love them and I feel like I have been searching for that and can never find it.
I am trying so hard to figure out how to fix myself so I can find someone like that. Someone who will love me "just as I am" as it says in "Briget Jone's Diary"
There have been so many times that I just let myself love another person completely only to be hurt by the knowledge that they don't feel the same. They may love me, but not like I love them and they can't because it's just not there.
I am so torn between wondering what's wrong, why can't someone love me like that and learning to accept myself the way I am. I don't know what to do. I envy my dear friends who were SO smart and took a good while to get to know their current spouses and are married and having beautiful babies with their "best friends" and I can see in the eyes of their husbands that they ONLY see them and I am so happy for them! I know it's out there. It's possible, but how can I get my hands on it?????
I hope one day to have a blog entry when I can say that I have found that and I can be counted in that club of happily married celestial couples. I hope.