Holy Flip-Chart It's Hot!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay the reason I don't live in Arizona is I DO NOT like dry and mega HOT weather!!!! It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot! I do nothing but sweat which makes my hair go into ringlets (GAG!), this is a no win situation!
I never thought I would pray for rain, but now I do and not for the plants, oh no, but for me! Screw the tomatoes my hair is in ringets!!!!
In case you didn't figure it out it has been very hot so to help over come my Too Hot Blues I went and bought a new pillow for my bed, now I have 14! Not all are for sleeping so stop laughing! Most are decrotaive, only 6 are for sleeping! Some old ladies collect cats, I collect pillows, at least they're useful and smell like a mountain breeze and lilacs not poop and pee! Plus they don't shed or scratch!!!
It's a lovely pillow! It is beige with a victorian style design in maroon velevet and the back is all maroon velvet, it's so fab! I might even take a pic and put it on here. Alas it may be a bit (I know you are all so sad) I'm pretty sure I left my computer/camera connecter thing in CA when Korban and I went for a visit.
Bought some hamper and turtle food since Korban pulled a "Korban" and dumped ALL of it into their cages. Boy, he is giving me a run for my money I can hardly wait til he's a moody teenager and sleeps til noon and doesn't want to be around me! LOL! Okay, I love being a mom, but some days it can be really hard espically doing it alone! I know why the Lord designed it to have a mom and dad! All those single moms out their deserve some government subsity!
Well, believe it or not I am short on words today so just be thankful and enjoy this rare and beautiful occurance! Peace Out!


yours, K.

Sunday, Sunday

Wow, it's Sunday yet again! I know tech it's the beginning of the week but for me it's the end. I mean come on most people get of Sat & Sun so I'm not sure how it's the beginning and not the end. All I can figure is it goes back to Jewish times when the Sabbath was on Sat. and that would make Sun the first day of the week because that is when you would go back to work, however in current times now the Sabbath is on Sun (well for Christians and some how they seem to have dominated the way things go as far as when to celebrate the Sabbath in main stream society as far as the actual number of Christians to Jews I have no idea, I know there are large numbers in each denomination) and therefore Mon is the new Sun and the beginning of the "work week". You have to hand it to the Jewish faith though for their tradition being so strong that the calendar still hasn't been changed despite the otherwise heavy Christian influences!
I read a book called "My Name Is Asher Lev" when I was in humanities and it was so interesting. It was about a strict Jewish family living all the practices and a young man within that community named Asher who had a great talent for art, but in his culture it was frowned upon, I think maybe even a sin. Asher was torn between what he was taught growing up and what he loved to do. The book was all about his inner struggle to choose one or the other because as the bible say: "No man can server two masters . . ." I would hate to have to make that choice! Thank goodness I never will as far as I can determine.
Well check out that book if you want a good read plus you're able to learn so much about Jewish tradition and that is something I love! I love learning about other faiths and cultures, I feel it enhances and rich ens life to know, respect, and in some cases love what other people hold dear. I would hope by doing so they might do the same for me!
Okay I guess I am done. I'm not feeling too lonely today. Yesterday was pretty bad, I cried alot and felt a little hopeless. The house was a mess and I didn't want to cook. I wanted to sleep all day and feel no pain, but I did get up and do what I had to as a mom. Saturday was a crappy day, but today is much better, and I'm glad of it, one can only take so many crappy days in a row you know!
Peace be unto you!


yours, K.

Oh Woe Is Me

Well, it didn't rain, all that hooplah for naught! So it is still pretty hot and dry here in lovely "little Zion".
I really hope that people with manic depression don't ever read this Blog, well any of them I seem to only write in times of distress or dismay. I guess maybe when I'm happy I am too bust being happy to write, but when life is sad, disappointing, and oh so lonely it's nice to "tell" someone even if it just is myself. I know that no one will ever happen upon this and it's all for me, but maybe one day when our culture disapears and the internet is arkaic and I have long since passed the way of this Earth, some scientist would find this "blog" and dysifer this they might find the truth (as much as conserns me) of the life of a woman from the 21st century! LOL! Sweet, I will be the ghost voice and image of a long ago time and feed the dreams of school children and elderly scientists.
That of course is just wishful thinking. I will pass like millions through the vail and never be remebered for anything great. I will never be spoken of past the lips of my grandchildren and where I am inturred will become broken rock and overgrown. Someone might read my name on my decayed headstone and wonder who I was and how my life went, but that is it. Other than the random passerby, I will no longer exsist in the Earthly plain. Nothing to perserve my pressence. No great works, no miracles, no history changing behavior, and no great revolt started that ended in change and peace and a better way of life.
I guess that is why it's so important to just enjoy now since we will never know where and when it can end and this might be all we have so we better really enjoy it. Stop the fighting. Stop hating ourselfs for what we're not and start loving ourselves for what we are. Not hurry and worry so much. I think that is what we are supposedto do, yet . . .lifemakes it all most impossible unless you inherit tons of money becuase at least 40 a week go to making the money we have to just turn around and give to the gov and then the landlord, and the finance co., electric, gas, phone, etc . . .and then if anything is left over than we can go be mindless for a few hours. Cool. Life. Rock on.

yours, K

Why is Hell "Hot" And Not "Cold"

Okay I am hoping that all this thunder I am hearing will result in some much needed rain!!!! It is so hot and dry here that I actually pray for rain (something I never thought I would do!) It is SOOOOOOOOOO hot that the swamp cooler doesn't even dent it!!!! I hate being hot, being hot there is only so much you can take off before you're naked, still hot, and nothing left to do about it! I think that is why hell is described as HOT rather than bitterly cold, because being hot is so much worse. Plus when you get all hot you sweat and stink and get all sticky and that makes it WAY worse. Who wants to be hot and smell BO???? If you like that I beg of you, do not come visit me during the summer months! Winter visits only. That means you Dad and Tami I know you guys love that hot weather in Florida!!!! So basically what I am saying is, I really hope it rains tonight!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!! Okay I am done!!!!

Blog On

okay, so I have never been good at this blog stuff. I am getting old, 27. So, I am not all hip and up to date like I once was in my teens! I guess teenagers really do know it all! I had a lot more going on when I was a teenager anyway. Now, I am a bit boring and do nothing to contribute to society as a whole.I was born into a family that I fit into like a very round peg in a very square nob! I feel like a total outsider when I am around the people that share my DNA. I sometimes am driving and actually think, "I can't believe I came from THAT gene pool!". I know they all consider me the "joke" of the family, but not in a good way, in the bad way. Like the uncle that does nothing to bring shame to the family name, except I'm not a guy and I haven't really done anything "shameful". I just don't fit and I can't figure out why. When I was younger I kind of just stayed away for a while because I felt it was hopeless. Than as I got older and "wiser" as they would say. I made an effort to try and be a part of them. I really did want to have some kind of family "closeness" with the people that I can from biologically speaking. I spent many unwanted hours at family gathers feeling inadequate and lonely in a group of people that not only share my last name but look so much like me. I can only wonder what words of disappointment they must have said at those parties while I was "gone"Try as I might to make that connection, I never could and still can't. I feel so much closer to strangers than I do my own bio family. I should also include the info that I did grow-up in foster care from the age of 12 until I graduated from high school. While I was in foster care I found "my family". The people I feel about emotionally, that I would imagine you SHOULD feel emotionally about those people who share your DNA. I found people who LOVE me despite me. Some how manage to see the best in me even when I really suck! People who don't measure my self worth by what I weigh or what brand of cloths I wear or where I went to college, but by the content of my char and the content of my heart. How is it, that people who were strangers to me (teachers, classmates, my case worker), would care and could see those things in me and yet to this very day, this hour, this min, this sec, those who have my blood in their blood don't.They think I am overly emotional and try and create drama in my life when in fact all I want, honestly, is to live quietly and be happy and do quiet, small, random acts of kindness for others. I want to be a dear friend, dependable, a good mom, a person who knows matters of true consequence.I guess I need to accept that forevermore I am going to be messed up inside and that is just my burden to bear. To always wonder why I was never good enough for my family and a joke to them no matter what I did one way or the other and only hated slightly less than my pathetic Uncle Tim who has stolen money from everyone in the family and has to get a new job and place to live every three months because he tries to live a life of lies and steals from Peter to pay Paul. All I ever did was tell the truth in that family. I have never borrowed money without repaying it (and I can count on ONE hand the times I ever had to ask to borrow money), I have always tried to show my thanks for help via a verbal thanks or more often a home made card because if I ever got one (which I haven't) it would mean a lot tome that someone took the time to make the card with just me in mind and that is so much better than a very nice and exp store bought card.But I keep forgetting, I am not like them so they would, of course, not appreciate that, and just think I am being cheap and making it to save money and not spend it on some very nice, "professional" card that they deserve. They can't see the love and time that I put into those TY cards and so it is all very pointless.I don't think I have EVER heard any of my bio family ever say they were proud of me for anything. Not one. Of course they think I lied about being abused by their fellow family member so that makes me marked for life to begin with. Anything I got after that I deserved for "lying" and trying to ruin his good name because I was such a spoiled brat. Being in foster care, feeling like an object rather than a person because that is all you are, is my own fault because I "lied". God is just giving me the punishment I deserve for "dishonoring" those I should "honor"no matter what. Because I stood up for myself at the age of 12 because no one else would protect me, I deserve to be punished.Sadly (and this is even sadder!!!! I am just now figuring this out at 27!!!) this is how the world is. Good, good, people get kicked in shit while rapist and murders get to live good lives. People lie and good, honest people have to suffer and even if they are proved beyond a doubt that it was a false accusation, they forever carry the label put upon them by some hateful soul. Who are these people? Hoe can their lives be so BAD that they want to ruin other peoples'???? The sad part is most of them have never really had to suffer much at all! Yet they still do this to others. I don't get it! I am still mystified why 1% of the population owns 90% of the countries wealth and they are all selfish dicks (with a few exceptions of course!), and those with nothing are so willing to give what they have to help others???? I guess the proverb of the widow's mite speaks still today. The very rich in her time gave little and she had nothing and gave it all.I have to believe that there is some kind of "eternal justice" after this life or I would probably just shoot myself and end the farce of living. I have to believe that some day those murders and rapists and dishonest misery makers are going to be judged by someone that can't fool or manipulate. That they will pay for what they have done and for me payment enough would be to literally feel and exp. the pain that they have caused others. One person after another of the pain until they have had to feel it all and then if they are left standing THEN be given the chance to one apologize to those they hurt and then two be allowed to ask for forgiveness for what they did.Man, I am such a downer!!!! Sorry, it's just how I feel and I'd rather get it out and cry and cry, then hold onto it. I have no one to tell. I have no "best friend" that I can cry to so I guess this blog is it for me. Hopefully there will be a day when I can tell this blog about how great things are going and how happy I am.I'm working on it. I'm working on seeing life for what it really is and not letting the sadness of it all crush me. I am trying to be that one lonely daisy in a field of thorny yet beautiful roses that makes the difference. That keeps going and reaching for the light despite being different, small, and alone.I know one person, with enough courage, CAN make a difference not only in their own lives (which is all I want), but in the world! Rosa Parks, what an amazing woman! Harriet Tubman! Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Theresa. All great people that changed the world.Sometimes I feel strong enough to make it despite my rose colored glasses of youth finally being shattered, and sometimes I feel sad and weak like today.All I can so is take my anti-depressant, hope my hormone level out (being a woman and all) and pray when I wake that sunshine filters through my blinds making little lines of blessed light across my bedspread as I open my eyes. Then I can see it IS another day, and I CAN hope that today the little guy who tells the truth is going to win over the giant that lies at any expense to get what he wants.I think I know that my "treasure" will never be found in this realm of life and that it will never be something that I can literally see or touch, but it will be something I must wait for and something that I can feel and once I do it is mine to feel for eternity or as long as my essence is allowed to linger.So feel sorry for the Giant and his obsession with gold and the world because one day (yes, like all stories, one day too late), he will reach for his gold only to find gold helps no one and won't start by helping him.Okay I feel a little better now. This is all just for me anyway. I doubt anyone would want to read this, or how would they, I don't even know, like I said I am 27 and not "hip" and "in" anymore!Goodbye for now my blog, I hope I am a better blogger than journal keeper or you won't be hearing from me again til I'm 29!!!!!

Worry

Okay I am back to BLOG some more. Have been so busy worrying about my grams! The way she looked I really never thought she would get better but she is no longer on the ventalator and is talking on her own and not sedated and hopefully can go home soon. It was so hard to see my poor grams like that. I can imgine how it would of been if I had a close family bond to her as if I had enever been in foster care. I am very selfish in saying this but I just want her around long enough so that my son will be able to remember her and a bit of what she is like when he is older.I still remember the voice of my foster mom that passed that I consider my "mom". It has only been 3 years but still I try to hold onto every memory that I can. I ahve heard that after time it gets harder to remember things. I hope that's not true and if it is I hope it's dumb stuff you gorget and the important ones you get to hold onto!Okay I am so sleepy, but I am really making an effort on this blog thing to keep it up to date and I am doing WAY better than I am with a paper journal! I ahve to work tomorrow and went in early today, so I am beat!!!! Sleeepy time!I know none of them will see it but a BIG thank youto allthose who keptmy greanmain their prayers I KNOW it helped! TY TY TY TY TY TY!!!!!! :)

I still don't get it

okay so again I come to "blog" my inners out! For the Internet to see or never see, because I doubt since I am no one famous anyone will. I am just a girl in the world as Gwen Stafanni says. Simple things make so much since! I'm not sure I have a tone to say tonight I am really tired (took 4 Valium) and now I just want to drift into the sweet, sweet, release of sleep.Sleep where I am no one's disappointment. No one's doormat. No one's physical outlet when they need it. No one's "well at least I'm not her" person.I have always had fantastic dreams my whole life that I can remember, if only dreaming were a profession! Some of them are so vivid and alive, you'd swear you're there. The best are when you know you're dreaming so social mores all go out the window along with the laws of science. Funny thing is I have NEVER had a flying dream. NEVER! I have dreams where I can jump really high, but never flown. Wonder what that means? They say that dream is quite common.I also dream color which is supposedly be rare and a sign of insanity. Don't know if either are true or just old wives tales. I can very rarely taste in a dream so I savor the times that I can. I also love dreams where I overcome something. Like beating up the school bully! Take that Rochelle (or Moose as she was called, don't ask, I don't know!). By the way NONE of the names in here are changed to protect the innocent, the way I see it no one is innocent and if you don't want people to know about it don't do or don't leave any witnesses (that last part was a TOTAL choke for all you "worried" blog readers) no need to call 911 and report a possible homicide. Even if I wanted to do it, I couldn't. I lack the ability to be a sociopath and therefore would have a conscience reason before ever committing the crime. And I would never be dumb enough to pay someone to do it, I watch too much court TV. No I say to each his own and if you want to be a freaking idiot and try and take me with I will simply remove myself from the situation and just let you be angry, Then I have the control and you don't I refuse to be anyone's emotional plaything, so I try my best to get over the hurt feelings by telling myself that by letting so and so get to me this way I am giving them so much control over me and they for sure don't deserve that!!!!All right for tonight I guess I am done, like I said, very tired, and drugged up (legally by prescription TY!) so I am going to blog off or whatever it is you do to end the blog! Blog you later!

The Virgin Blog

Wow, I am a blogger now! Who the heck invented the word "blog", I don't care for it much, it's an ugly word! Like vomit and Orpheus. Just sounds putrid! So this is just the first one so it's not going to be exciting I will make an effort to "blog", but no guarantees being a "single mom". Some days I don't get a shower so blogging is not a top priority (sorry Kairy fans!)! XOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOXOO