Worst Mothers Day ever

Will I rem this day by the sea when the embers of my life begin to fade?

This is my first text blog! Can you feel it? Thats right! I rock!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waiting, he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die.

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring.

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Then close your eyes, and I'll be on my way.
Dream about the days to come
When I wont have to leave alone
About the times, I wont have to say,

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

But I'm leavin' on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

Leaving on a jet plane

Leaving on a jet plane

Leaving on a jet plane . . .


~John Denver

Anything I'm Not

I will never be
I will never be tall
No
And I will never be
Never ever
Be sure of it all
Oh, why is the world
So cruel to me
When all
All I ever want to be
Is anything I'm not

Gimme a break
A little escape
I am so tired
Of being me
I wanna be free
I wanna be new
And different
Anything I'm not
I'm not

I will never be
I will never be you
No
I will always be
I will always be me
That I know
But oh
Even though
I'm happy being me
I want to get away
From all
This harsh reality
Oh

Gimme a break
A little escape
I am so tired
Of being me
I wanna be free
I wanna be new
And different
Anything I'm not

Yeah
Gimme a break
A little escape
I am so tired
Of being me
I wanna be free
I wanna be new
And different
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Oh
Anything I'm not

Gimme a break
A little escape
I am so tired
Of being me
I wanna be free
I wanna be new
And different
Anything I'm not

Yeah
Gimme a break
A little escape
I am so tired
Of being me
I wanna be free
I wanna be new
And different
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not

~Lenka

Girlfriend

[Chorus]
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like your girlfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
No, it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

[Verse 1]
You’re so fine
I want you mine
You’re so delicious
I think about ya all the time
You’re so addictive
Don’t you know what I could do to make you feel alright?
Don’t pretend I think you know I’m d@#n precious
And H%!l Yeah
I’m the princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I’m right

She’s like so whatever
And you could do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that’s what everyone’s talking about!

[Chorus:]
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like your girlfriend!
That's Right! No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
You know it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

[Verse 2]
I can see the way, I see the way you look at me
And even when you look away I know you think of me
I know you talk about me all the time again and again
So come over here, tell me what I want to hear
Better yet make your girlfriend disappear
I don’t want to hear you say her name ever again
(And again and again and again!)

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
You know it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
Cause I can, cause I can do it better
There’s no other
So when's it gonna sink in?
She’s so stupid
What the h@*l were you thinking?!

~Avril Lavigne

Dirty Little Secret

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping thoughts won't lie (won't lie)
And all I've tried to hide
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret

Who has to know
Who has to know

I Am A Man of Constant Sorrow

I am the man of constant sorrow
I've seen trouble all my days.
I bid farewell to old Kentucky
The place where I was born and raised.
(The place where he was born and raised)

For six long years I've been in trouble
No pleasures here on earth I found
For in this world I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends to help me now.

[chorus] He has no friends to help him now

It's fare thee well my old true lover
I never expect to see you again
For I'm bound to ride that northern railroad
Perhaps I'll die upon this train.

[chorus] Perhaps he'll die upon this train.

You can bury me in some deep valley
For many years where I may lay
Then you may learn to love another
While I am sleeping in my grave.

[chorus] While he is sleeping in his grave.

Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger
My face you'll never see no more.
But there is one promise that is given
I'll meet you on God's golden shore.

[chorus] He'll meet you on God's golden shore.


~ John Hartford

New Soul

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

New soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes...

~Yael Naim

"Ground Control To Major Tom . . ."

So I have been listen to the song Space Oddity by David Bowie alot lately. I have always liked it (as can be seen on my playlist) but there was a car commercial that came out with a new version of it being sung by a female singer rather then the original version by Bowie.
I really liked it so I decided I should got to iTunes and see if I could find it (and also buy the original because I tend to like the original version of songs better then remakes for some reason) but I was unable to find it. I did , however, find a really awesome version by a Polish band called Silver Rocket that was released less then a year ago on an album called Tesla (a concept album centered around the inventor Tesla, pretty cool I think).
Well all this listening to it over and over trying to find the version I wanted made me really think about what this song means (that and walking all over gives you extra time to think as you walk so I often find myself thinking about really pointless things - LOL ). For those of you not familiar with the song I will provide the words and the tell you what I think it may be about. I am also going to google it and see what David Bowie has to say about why he wrote it which I will provide on here once I get the 411.

Ground control to Major Tom
Ground control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

Ground control to Major Tom
(Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,)
Commencing countdown, engines on
(Five, four, three, two,)
Check ignition and may God's love be with you
(One. Liftoff)

This is ground control to major tom
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare

This is major Tom to ground control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do

Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much
She knows

Ground control to major tom
Your circuits dead, there's something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you....

Here am I floating round my tin can
Far above the moon
Planet earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do.


When I first started really listening to it I figured the beginning was a "liftoff" from earth but now I kind of wonder if he was on his way back in and this is why I think maybe he is coming back. They ask him to take a protein pill and put his helmet on. If you're leaving earth why would you be taking a food capsule? Also he talks about being above the world (not earth specifically) at first, then being 100K out and then above the moon which leads me to think he was getting closer not further away.
This liftoff seems to be a major event. Bigger then any one man. Some sort of success is made (like a man surviving liftoff from a far off planet and coming back) because in human like fashion people want to know where MT (Major Tom) shops! No one seems to care about the mission or MT himself.
Next it talks about leaving the ship (to fix what is thought to be a minor problem) and odd floating and the stars looking different. Makes me wonder if MT is commenting that he is off course? He also comments that the Spaceship seems to know where to go which also makes me think things are going bad, but he's hopeful because he is heading in the general right direction.
In a last effort MT tells ground control to tell his wife he "loves her very much" and they just brush him off, "She knows", as if they don't care about MT just the mission and if they tell his wife that then they are saying the mission has failed and they can't have that.
Ground control knows the spaceship has lost power and they can no longer reach MT. Then MT is saying he is floating "around" his tin can rather then sitting in it. This makes me think he has left the spaceship and is in his spacesuit in an effort to get back to earth and makes it as far as the moon before he realizes he won't make it.

"Planet Earth is blue and there is nothing I can do."

He can see earth. It's a huge blue ball in front of him. So close. To loose the race so near the finish is all most worse then a total loss I think. Watching hope die before you do has to be unbearable. Must be like dieing twice.

So I really wonder if this song was inspired by my other very thought about space scenario, 2001: A Space Odyssey. The name is very similar and from the look of the album cover it looks as though it came out right around the same time as the movie (my guess is after, but like I said all this will be revealed after I google it). I also wonder what David Bowie was saying in this song. Is it just some space type song because that was "in" then. Is it some clever commentary of the nature of man. A musical version of hoe he feels about man's place in space (as in we don't have one!)?
Why am I so obsessed with space? My Dad did work for NASA and tell me that those drawers in kitchens that were just for looks (the ones where there was no drawer but they make it look like there is one by gluing a piece of wood to the side of the counter facing out from the sink) was really a portal to another dimension and that's why they were glued closed (safety). Not sure if I can blame him or not because anyone who knows me and is dumb enough to let me start talking about it knows I hate being earth bound and that if I could I would LITERALLY get on a spaceship and head the 3.8x1016 m (apx 4 light years) to the closest star (Alpha Centauri, which is tech 2 stars) and be happy to die in space just to say I saw it. Honestly, to die in a silent space surrounded by the beautiful images of the universe doesn't seem so bad to me. But I would want to die in deep space not be on my way back, and sure as heck not so close I could see earth!!!!
I also wonder if I think way too much about things. Maybe there is no deeper meaning to most of life. It is what it is. Maybe I need to stop thinking so much. Maybe I am just making myself miserable with all the wonder. Maybe no one really cares so I am just wasting my time. Maybe no one thinks about this kind of stuff any more because they all have cars to drive and families to take care of and no time to spare. I think I must be a dieing breed. Seems everyone wants everyhting yesterday and "just as described", no "deep meanings". I'm sure I will drive myself crazy thinking about that too! Anyway worse case scenario I found a cool new band out of it. Go Poland music scene!!!

Yours, K.

P.S. ~ The pic is a real space image taken by the Hubble

A Year of Walking, Washing, And Waiting

So it has officially been a year since we had a car! Wow! It has totally sucked! LOL!
During the year of walking only twice has anyone ever stopped to offer us a ride. It;s been more of the opposite. Being flipped off or told to go "f*c% myself" because I am delaying someone's left hand turn despite the fact that I have waited for the walk signal and I am on the cross walk and with my five year old!!!! Another thing I wonder is why the heck I'm not a size zero after all of this walking!!!!
It has also been a year since getting my Luna pads and at least with that I have had an amazing exp! As a previous blog entry has stated, I am happy to be doing my part for the environment and also feeling more in control of my body at the same time.
The waiting has sucked too. I don't think we were built to be waiters.
Anyway 1/3 isn't bad and all I can do is hope that in a year from now I won't be walking or waiting, just washing.

Yours, K.

More Good News

Another story of love and compassion for our fellow human beings. As I have written in previous blogs about how people who have needed helped and been ignored, here is yet another example. They would stop to let her use a phone but not a ride and no thought to call 911. Lovely.



NORTH BERGEN, N.J. — A 19-year-old woman who thought she was going to a party was instead driven to a rural wooded area and abandoned in 8-degree weather in a long-planned attack by three friends angry with her over an insurance claim, police said Thursday.

The victim was wearing only a dress and one shoe, having lost the other in a struggle as she was dragged from the car, said Lt. Frank Cannella of the North Bergen police. A motorist soon stopped and let the victim use a cell phone but refused to give her a lift.

The victim used the phone to call one of the women who abandoned her, Cannella said. She spent more than an hour in the freezing cold before flagging down another motorist, who took her to a hospital, he said.

The North Bergen woman, whom police did not identify, may need surgery after suffering frostbite to both feet Jan. 16 in Alpine, a town on the Hudson River about 18 miles north of New York City, Cannella said.

"These actions were so profound that it leads you to believe there was a tremendous indifference to human life," Cannella said.

Maria Contreras-Luciano, 22, of Dumont, and Amber Crespo, 20, and Dyanne Velasquez, 21, both of North Bergen, face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges and are free on $200,000 bail. Crespo is also charged with making terroristic threats.

The women planned the attack for more than a month, Cannella said. The suspects wanted revenge after the 19-year-old sued Crespo's auto insurance carrier after a car accident, he said, adding that he didn't have details about the accident or claim.

Marvin Walden, attorney for Crespo, said his client had no idea what she was getting into and was not part of any conspiracy. He said the dispute was between one of the other women and the victim and was about a man, not an insurance claim.

"My client thought she was going to a rap concert," Walden said. "There was no intent on her part, or discussion beforehand, about participating in anything resembling a kidnapping."

Attorneys for the two other women did not return telephone calls and e-mails seeking comment Thursday.

The victim arrived at Crespo's home to meet up with the three women and then drive together to a party, according to authorities. She noted that her friends weren't dressed for a party but was reassured by their words and by an evening dress on a hanger inside the car.

The incident didn't come to the attention of police until the victim reported it Jan. 20.

A man identified as Contreras-Luciano's boyfriend was arrested on suspicion of hindering apprehension after he declined to turn his car over to investigators, police said. Police believe his car was used in the attack.

Update To Last Blog

So I am wondering which is worse? The original thought that this poor man lost his life over a thousand dollars or what now seems to be the case. People are so afraid to reach out to each other that no one realized this man, who fought in the South pacific during WWII and won a purple heat for being a medic (someone who helps heal), was in deep need of help in his life. Either way it makes me very sad that this man died in such a painful way. Maybe he had been dieing alone for much longer then it took his physical body. Can we call it living if we have no other human contact in our life? No one to just give us a simple hug or say, "I love you."?

Freezing death of Mich. man in house sparks anger


BAY CITY, Mich. — When neighbors went inside Marvin Schur's house, the windows were frosted over, icicles hung from a faucet, and the 93-year-old World War II veteran lay dead on the bedroom floor in a winter jacket over four layers of clothing.

He froze to death — slowly and painfully, authorities say — days after the electric company installed a power-limiting device because of more than $1,000 in unpaid bills.

The old man's sad end two weeks ago has led to outrage, soul-searching and a resolve never to let something like this happen again.

"There's got to be a way in today's computer age they can find out if someone's over a certain age," said Chad Sepos, 37, a copy machine installer who lives a block away in this Lake Huron city of 34,000 people, about 90 miles from Detroit. "It's just sad."

One of the saddest things of all was that Schur appeared to have plenty of money, and, in fact, one of the neighbors who entered the home reported seeing cash clipped to a pile of bills on the kitchen table. Schur's nephew suggested the old man's mind may have been slipping.

Schur, or "Mutts," was a retired foundry worker who lived alone, his wife having died a couple of years ago. The couple had no children. He could often be seen through the big front window of his comfortably furnished home of 50 or 60 years, watching TV or keeping an eye on his neighborhood.

On Jan. 13, a worker with the city-owned utility installed a "limiter" on Schur's electric meter after four months of unpaid bills. The device restricts power and blows like a fuse if usage rises past a set level. Electricity is not restored until the device is flipped back on by the homeowner, who must walk outside to the meter.

Bay City Electric Light & Power did not contact Schur face-to-face to notify him of the device and explain how it works, instead following its usual policy by leaving a note on the door. But neighbors said Schur rarely, if ever, left the house in the cold.

At some point, the device evidently tripped and was not reset, authorities said. Schur's home was heated by a gas furnace, not electricity, but some gas furnaces do not work properly if the power is out.

Neighbors discovered Schur's body on Jan. 17 in his home, a yellow house with peeling paint. The outside temperature ranged from a high of 12 degrees to a low of minus 9 on Jan. 15, the day he was believed to have died. A heating pad was on his favorite armchair by the window. The oven door was open, perhaps to heat the place.

"The body has a tremendous fighting power for survival. He died a slow, painful death," said Dr. Kanu Virani, who found frostbite on Schur's foot when performing the autopsy. Investigators are trying to establish how long he was without electricity.

City officials are reviewing their procedures and in the meantime have suspended shutoffs and removed all limiters from homes after using the devices for 18 years.

The medical examiner is looking into whether Schur suffered from dementia, particularly after police found enough cash lying around in the home to cover his bills. His nephew William Walworth said Schur told him two years ago he had $600,000 in savings.

"It's definitely not a situation where money is an issue. The issue has to do with the mental faculties you have and your ability to make good decisions," said Walworth, 67, who lives in Ormond Beach, Fla.

"I think the utility's policies are horrible and insane," he added. "For 50 years he paid the bill on a regular basis and never had problems. If people would know who their customers are and take concern for their customers, maybe they'd go knock on the door and see if everything is OK."

Neighbors and others have posted messages on the Internet, complaining it was a shabby way to treat a veteran and demanding city employees be fired or prosecuted for not taking a few minutes to check on Schur, who was a medic in the South Pacific and earned a Purple Heart.

One blogger noted that even a pet owner who leaves his dog outside to freeze can face charges.

Sharon Gire, director of the Michigan Office of Services to the Aging, said Schur's death was preventable. "He was one of Michigan's most vulnerable citizens in need," she said. "It is a tragedy that he had to suffer such a painful death."

Michigan's big, state-regulated utilities are not allowed to shut off power to senior citizens in the winter and must offer payment plans to the poor. State regulators also discourage the use of limiters. But Michigan's 41 smaller municipal utilities — Bay City's included — are not overseen by the state.

Schur's death has prompted Michigan lawmakers to start writing legislation that could ban the use of limiters by municipal utilities.

"The concern was particularly with elderly customers; they can be frail or confused," Public Service Commission spokeswoman Judy Palnau said. "Anything that can require some sort of mechanical intervention can be overwhelming."

Bay City Manager Robert Belleman said that he was "deeply saddened" by Schur's death and that State Police will investigate. But he also said neighbors have a responsibility to each other.

"I've said this before and some of my colleagues have said this: Neighbors need to keep an eye on neighbors," Belleman said. "When they think there's something wrong, they should contact the appropriate agency or city department."

(This version CORRECTS utility name to Bay City Electric Light & Power, not City Electric Light & Power, in 8th paragraph and CORRECTS spokeswoman's first name to Judy, not July, in 21st paragraph.))

This Is Why I Hate The World

93-year-old froze to death, owed big utility bill
4 hours ago

BAY CITY, Mich. — A 93-year-old man froze to death inside his home just days after the municipal power company restricted his use of electricity because of unpaid bills, officials said.

Marvin E. Schur died "a slow, painful death," said Kanu Virani, Oakland County's deputy chief medical examiner, who performed the autopsy.

Neighbors discovered Schur's body on Jan. 17. They said the indoor temperature was below 32 degrees at the time, The Bay City Times reported Monday.

"Hypothermia shuts the whole system down, slowly," Virani said. "It's not easy to die from hypothermia without first realizing your fingers and toes feel like they're burning."

Schur owed Bay City Electric Light & Power more than $1,000 in unpaid electric bills, Bay City Manager Robert Belleman told The Associated Press on Monday.

A city utility worker had installed a "limiter" device to restrict the use of electricity at Schur's home on Jan. 13, Belleman said. The device limits power reaching a home and blows out like a fuse if consumption rises past a set level. Power is not restored until the device is reset.

The limiter was tripped sometime between the time of installation and the discovery of Schur's body, Belleman said. He didn't know if anyone had made personal contact with Schur to explain how the device works.

Schur's body was discovered by neighbor George Pauwels Jr.

"His furnace was not running, the insides of his windows were full of ice the morning we found him," Pauwels told the newspaper.

Belleman said city workers keep the limiter on houses for 10 days, then shut off power entirely if the homeowner hasn't paid utility bills or arranged to do so.

He said Bay City Electric Light & Power's policies will be reviewed, but he didn't believe the city did anything wrong.

"I've said this before and some of my colleagues have said this: Neighbors need to keep an eye on neighbors," Belleman said. "When they think there's something wrong, they should contact the appropriate agency or city department."

Schur had no children and his wife had died several years ago.

Bay City is on Saginaw Bay, just north of the city of Saginaw in central Michigan.

crap

Sigh. Another lovely day in my life. Despite trying to avoid any conflict it comes to my door now! Plus we had to walk in the feezing rain today. Just want to be done with all of this.

Yours, K.

Caylee Anthony

Sigh. I just don't get this world sometimes. For many reasons. I'm sorry to say that I was not even a bit surprised when they found Caylee Anthony's body. I knew she was dead. And saddest of all (after reading ext info online) I am convinced her mother had something to do with it. I'm not willing to say that she out right murdered her, but I think, due to some kind of neglect (a lack of parental supervision), she died and her mother got scared and did her best to cover it up.
I am also saddened that this blond haired blue eyed little girl gets so much attention when literally thousands of other children go missing/are murdered and because they don't fall into a certain demographic are ignored. Are their families any less deserving? Are these children any less mourned? Any less longer for?
The world is such a HORRIBLE place. I hate it. I am happy to be in the world but not OF the world. So happy I can teach my son the way things are eternally. Happy to know that our Heavenly Father is there.
I can't imagine going through the loss of a child. period. On top of that I can not imagine not having the benefit of the gospel to lean on in times of utter weakness. I know that knowing the "Plan" does not lessen the hurt or sadness, but I would hope, in time, knowing your child is yours forever might help.
All I can do is hope that non stereotypical American children can find a place into our hearts so that we want to give as much to them and their families in time of need

Gal. 3:28
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

Yours, K.

Back To Black

I was right! I am now back to being sad and sorry for myself! I am reading all my friends blogs and it seems like they are all preggers with their 2nd or 3rd child while I am stuck with no car, unmarried, and feeling like I will never have more then one child.
While I am VERY happy for all of them and for the little ones coming because I know they will have a wonderful life I can't help but be mad at myself for making such bad decisions relationship wise.
I also can't imagine what it's like to be preg and have a happy and excited partner. I am very very happy to have my little pookie but being preg was horrible for me. In every way. I was blessed to have one good friend (Sherrin) by my side, but other then that I was alone.
I remember coming home everyday after being on my feet at work all day and being at the bottom of some very steep old stairs that led to my barely one bedroom apartment and just wanting to cry. I was hormonal. Tired. Threw everything I ate up. Went to every doctor's appointment alone.
I was blessed to have Sherrin there to help me (TY) and had friends and family that threw me baby showers (another TY), but not having someone to want to feel Korban kick, rub my feet, let me sleep in, hold my hair back while I threw up for eight months, or even hug me was hard.
I have done a very good job in my life to not be jealous of the good things that my loved ones have in their lives, but I guess, as I have stated before, I am slipping because I am jealous. Happy yet jealous.
Just so tired of my life being stuck on pause. Sick of walking. Sick of having no spouse. Sick of being so far from those I love. Sick of my own very bad attitude.
I am so ready to have a boring boring life full of nothingness. I crave the day in and out of just living. I don't care if I ever have another exciting event ever happen in my life. I am hoping the move to AU will make this happen for me. Just want to leave here and be settled there. Never look back.

Yours, K.

TY Dateline

By now everyone who doesn't live under a rock knows about the plane that crash landed in the Hudson and not only stayed in tact, but also rendered every single person on board alive with very few injuries (the worst being broken legs).
Of course I read about online, but it was very brief. I was just happy everyone was okay! I thought it was great that the plane was whole but my exact words were, "I care about people not planes." After having watched Dateline I realize what a miracle this landing was.
And anyone who had allowed me to get serious enough to start talking about God knows that I firmly believe that He is, and will always be, a God of miracles. This landing further proves it to me.
Everything that could have gone right, did. While our Heavenly Father can't prevent us from falling down in life, He can slow the fall and soften our landing. He did this for all those on that flight.
The pilot was AMAZING!!! He is a trained AF pilot. A veteran commercial pilot. And also very exp in another form of air travel that has to do with coasting landings. All of these things helped him land that plane on top of a river!!!! On top of that to keep the plane from ripping apart.
The water in the Hudson is frigid. Only minutes in it can literally kill you. The passengers were able to stand on the wings of the plane and stay dry after surviving what could have been a very deadly landing. The plane being in tact helped save the passengers many times over.
The Hudson is a large ferry boat area. Before the plane was fully evacuated there were apx six ferry boats evacuating passengers before any of them got wet. The ferries were able to travel with the current and continue to rescue. While some passengers did get wet it was minor exposure and very few had to be treated for hypothermia.
Despite this being a terrifying exp I'm sure, it's been told over and over that the passengers on the plane were orderly and calm. Everyone aboard rushed women and children out first. There was little chaos or panic. I am reminded of the poor man who got trampled to death at Wal-Mart by people who wanted cheap DVDs, the polar opposite of a reason to be that out of control, and these passengers who were literally facing death, stayed calm and dignified.
The emergency responders to the scene did an amazing job too. They were fast and coordinated, I am sure from lessons learned at 9/11. All the passengers said what a wonderful job all of them did.
It's just amazing how so many things went right. I could be writing this blog entry about how sad it is that families lost their loved ones and how I will be praying for them. But joy of joys, I am writing about miracles!
Also I LOVE NYC!!! The people there may be in your face and brutally honest, but once you have a friend you have friend for life. They love you there. They literally would give you the shirt off their backs. And honestly I would rather have someone in my face being honest then someone pretending they like me then doing the "christian" thing and talking about me behind my back, but I digress!
The pilot in my life was obviously more impressed by the landing and how skillful it was whereas, as I have said repeatedly, I am impressed by the fact that he did such an amazing job ensuring the safety of his passengers. He stayed calm, cool, and in control. He made amazingly wonderful decisions in split seconds. Those decisions saved 150+ lives. And as a truly good captain he was very last off the plane. Wow! In a day of "every man for himself" chivalry like that warms my heart!
So dear blog readers enjoy this brief ray of sunshine in my blogging, I'm sure I will be back to my crying about being stuck waiting by my next entry!
May all of you see the miracles I KNOW He has performed in your lives, no matter how small.

Yours, K.

"I survived"

I watch this show on the bio channel called, "I Survived." It's about people who have survived very traumatic events that otherwise would have normally killed someone. Sometimes it's a survival situation such as being ship wrecked or being attacked by and animal, but 90% are people who have survived the cruelty of another person(s). And of those stories 85% are stories of women being sexually assaulted.
I love/hate this show.
I listen to theses stories, and all it is, is the people sitting in front of the camera telling their story, and I am captivated. Amazed. At times when you'd think someone would fall apart and literally die, these people have moments of amazing clarity, and it saves their lives.
I also sit and cry a lot. I am in such disbelief at the cruelty of others (99.9% men). How anyone could do such horrible things to another human being and in some cases children too. How could any one person be so disconnected from their humanity that they can do things so unthinkable to another.
Another thing that seems to happen over and over when these stories is being told is of how most of these people's screams are literally ignored by people who are around them. Time after time people who can hear or see the events as they unfold do NOTHING. Not even call 911. The answer they all give is that they don't want to be involved. And for every person who doesn't help during the time of the crime there are a whole other set of people that refuse to help after the person has survived and is again seeking help. They have to walk blocks or miles to a public place for help because no one will stop their car or open their door to help. One woman stopped her car long enough to tell on of these victims she can't help because she'll be late for work!!!!
What the heck is wrong with all of us? We see people in need and look the other way. I have seen things on Dateline where they set up a fake scenario with actors to see how the public will react and sadly 90% of people do nothing.
This brings me to my next point.
While I am in complete disgust at the lack of humanity humans have I am equally in awe of the amazing will of people to survive. And in a very few cases (at least in the exp of the people who tell their stories on this show) the great love and kindness that can be shown to others.
These people survive being beaten, shot, stabbed, rapped, strangled, and run over (all done repeatedly). And more then the physical, they endure unimaginable emotional trauma.
They are terrified but not afraid. Maybe the first step in survival. They don't surrender completely at any time. And most, if not all, speak of a devine faith. They describe being there but "gone". Of blinding white light. Of unearthly calm. Of saying goodbye and feeling peace. Of being in the exact right place after the attacks to be rescued or reach help. In one instance of a sark attack a pod of 20 dolphins surrounded the survivor and protected him from being further attacked by the Great White. He said he knows he lived because of them.
So, this show makes me think of the eternal coin. Two sides to every situation. One head, one tails. To be or not to be.
I still can't pick a side.
I see the world and all it's horror and really want to give up most days. I feel like it's pointless, we are surrounded by darkness, there is no safe place left.
But then I am reminded of how light can penetrate the darkest of places and that one point of light is enough to destroy darkness. And that light can easily bend to go around things.
I often wonder if life is better described as winding, uphill, and bumpy path rather then straight and narrow. Nothing about my life has ever been a straight course or an easy one. Despite that it has still found goodness along the way. there have been times of happiness, though too short for me.
And despite it all I still hope. Hope for a life beside the man I love. Hope that if I am faced with it, I will be the one to answer someone's call for help no matter how late it makes me for work.

Yours, K.