Thank you

I want to thank all of you , my dear friends, for your expressions of love and support. I know you all love me. It means so much to me. However, those of you who are blessed enough to live with their best friends, there is no substitute for having someone to welcome home or come home to. Someone who every day is your champion and there to cheer you on. Someone to hug. Someone to be quiet with. Someone to cry with. Someone with whom you feel you can (and want) to tell everything.
While you, my dear ones, have chosen wisely in love, I have not. I have been inpatient and followed a very immature impulse to be loved. You have been patient (some VERY patient!) I have been a fool and rushed in. It is my own fault and I pay the price everyday that I wake up alone.
The thing that makes me okay with my very bad choices is that I know you all have someone wonderful in your life. And despite many hart aches you have also been able to add wonderful little people to your life. This too is a source of great happiness on my part. With each child that I see of yours I can breath a sigh of relief and know that is one less child in the world that will have a childhood like mine. In fact they must be VERY special spirits to end up with you and as you know them best I'm sure you would agree that they are very very special.
Please do not worry or be sad for me. I am enough for all of us. Know that I am so happy for all of you. While I do not have it in my life I know that it is out there. I know there are husbands and wives that love each other deeply and count each day with the other a gift and I know there are children that have happy loving homes.
I also know there are plenty of very wonderful people, much better people, then myself who for whatever reason have not found eternal love in this mortal life. I know they will be given the chance. I will too.
I am also very blessed in that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with a very sweet spirit of my own. I would lie if I said I didn't long for a house full of them, but I realize that some people would give the world for one and that I am rich beyond measure. Korban is in the east and he is my sun (in every sense of the word).
I really am trying to be a good mom to him despite the crappy conditions I have given him as a unrespoceable parent. it is my sin and not his that he is not receiving the blessing of a two parent home. And while I love him and want to be everything to him I'm not a father. I also struggle daily having come from a pretty bad childhood of my own and have no positive "parent" to model myself from for those early years of parenting. I also struggle greatly due to the fact that the closest thing to a "mom" is gone. To quote a movie, "I died that day!" I did. Maybe that's why I am not a whole person any more. I can honestly say that id Korban were not in my life I know for a fact that I would have killed myself when Debbie died.
I have no one to tell all of this to, so I write it here. I can't keep it inside and I am tired of trying to hide it. You all deserve to know the kind of person I really am. I am really messed up. I thought I could be one of those people who can overcome a hard life and be better, but I guess I'm not. I really wish I was.
All I can hope is that Korban turns out half way decent, no thanks to me, and breaks the cycle I cannot.
Again, ty all so much for your kind words. I will be fine. I will make it through. I may never be the happy I want but I know I will have moments of happiness in my life and I am okay with that. I know Jesus said something along the lines that the sadness in this life is not worthy to be compared to the glory which will be revealed in us and that all of our tears will cease and we will be filled with joy. I know that is true. I know it with every part of me. I may not be happy in this life but I can be in the next. Honestly if I end up as one of those "helpers" in the houses of the celestial eternal companions I am cool with that. I just want to see the Savior again. I want to know what it's like to have a mom and dad that want me and love me. I want to be held by them. My blessing says I will. It says I have a heavenly Father and Mother who love me and want me. That's enough. maybe Jobe felt that too. I don't know. All I ask is that you just pray for me and especially for Korban, he deserves to be so happy. I do love all of you. I hope with all of my heart that YOU are the one that is happy. :)

Yours, K.