Nothing New

So while I am in queue to play WoW, I thought I would update my blog. As the title indicates, nothing new has happened. Still waiting. Still walking everywhere. Still winter. Still feeling useless.
Not sure why but the holidays really sucked this year! I should have been happy, filled with the holiday spirit. My life was touched with kindness and good deeds. Of course Korban and I talked of the reason we have Christmas. Anything to do with the Savior is usually enough to make me happy, but not this year.
I feel like in my life Satan truly won this year. I feel sad and lonely. unable to see past my petty problems to all the good that is around. All I did Christmas day was cry and force myself to eat nothing but applesauce (made Mac n Cheese for Korban). I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could be like I used too. I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong in my life to make me so weak. I don't know. Sometimes I think it may be that even the strongest bridge can break if constant weight with no break is put upon it. That's how I feel. Put upon.
Yes I know there are those who suffer more. Those who are not ungrateful like me. Those who are the example of Christ-like faith and love. I am blessed to know many of them.
The only good thing I can say about this year is that it's nearly over! Thank goodness! This year can only be rivaled by 2001 when Katie lost her baby, the Twin towers fell, my husband left me, and I found myself homeless. I remember being sad then, but like I could keep moving on. Now I feel like a cess pool.
Wow, maybe I shouldn't have updated. This is mega depressing!!!! Sorry all!
Despite my uncalled for feelings, I hope all of you, my loved ones, are happy and warm. That you are enjoying a break from work to be with your spouses, children, and extended family. Please know that the only thing that still grows in my life is my love for all of you. Just want all of you to be happy and blessed.

Yours, K.

Warning! Contains "Women's Issues" Read At Your Own Risk!

Okay, so most of you know I am kind of a conservative "hippie". I love keeping things as "natural" as possible. Well in my effort to keep it "natural" for the past year (apx.) I have used a product called Lunapads. They are reusable pads.
Can I just say I LOVE THEM!!!! Now that I am a real girl and have real periods I can safely say they rock. I bought a mega pack that included a bunch of sizes and lengths for different flows etc. They are made out of very soft flannel and after use you soak them in cold water until you are ready to wash them (they also come with a mesh washing bag so they all stay together) and you wash them and you can dry them but I choose to let them air dry in an attempt to make them last longer. With careful use and washing they can be used for ten years!
You can choose whatever fabric you like (mine have a black background with flowers. I know, I know, but I am girly okay!) They have a snap to stay firmly onto your panties and fabric across the front and bottom so you can use extra removable pads if needed. I don't have to buy pads anymore, if I have a unexpected visit from aunt flo I'm always ready! And the best part (for me) is knowing I'm not filling some land fill with a bunch of unnecessary trash!
I know this choice isn't for everyone, but I'm very happy about it. I feel more in control of my body as a woman in making this choice not being pushed into buying commercial products that are inferior, more exp., and pollute the planet.
I just feel like in biblical times they used similar methods. They didn't pump their animals full of hormones and grind up old livestock to feed to the "in use" animals and then send it off for people to consume. They didn't have pesticides to cover the food they grew. They did none of this yet they lived hundreds of years! I think that says something.
If I am blessed one day to have more children I would really like to do it as natural as possible. If I can, and it is a safe choice, I hope to give birth at home in the care of a mid-wife. I would breast feed of course, as I did Korban, and I plan on using cloth diapers.
I know that God did make this earth for us to enjoy. I know it is fine to consume the plant and animal life and that they were made for this purpose, but I also feel that as a wonderful gift we should also take care of it the best we can.
Don't worry I'm not about to go Amish or anything! I love in door pluming! I love washers and dryers! I love heat! I love not having to slaughter my own food! I am all for tech, but I am also for making a bit more effort to make sure this wonderful gift of life and the planet last as long as possible!
I doubt I will have any takers but if anyone out there is interested in learning more about reusable sanitation products email me and I will hook you up. No I don't get ant kick back from this other then knowing I'm helping women I love and the planet. Also this is not some Mary Kay type thing where I want you to be my minion and sell Lunapads for me, I have just loved using them and didn't know they existed until I was doing research online about the symptoms of PMS (since I had never had it til then!) and saw an article on reusable pads and then (with the google masters help) found best valued fit of reusable pads for me. Anyway, I love them and wanted to take time to write about it on my blog maybe three people read! Now less since this is a "woman's issue" post! LOL!

Yours, K.

PS - I also use a reusable herbal heat pad from Lunapads. Heaven!

Can't Thing Of A clever Title

Well life has been pretty blah lately. Don't feel like writing but I figured I'd better so I could have a record of life being blah. The most exciting thing that has happened to me is I got the WoW exp. I am trying hard to make it to lvl 80 and be the best of the best.
Korban has been having great behavior lately. He seems to be such a big boy lately. All of a sudden he is so much more mature. I am amazed. it's like he is growing up so fast I can't even see it.
We will be moving yet again in an attempt to save money and down size our stuff yet again as we hope to be going to AU sometime soon! Keep praying for us that the Lord will hasten the process for us. I hate all this waiting for my life to begin stuff. Once we get to AU we can start living again. Start to move forward and I need that in the worst way. it's the just sitting that is killing me. I need to have some kind of movement forward to feel whole. being stagnate is horrible.
Okay, I guess that is it from our little household. Hope everyone has a fab Turkey Day. Love you all dearly.

Yours, K.

I VOTED!!!

I voted!!! This is a historical election! I am so proud to be an American right now! I can tell my grandchildren that I was a part of this! Amazing! I hope you all voted and can also say that you were a part of this! This is why I LOVE America and why we are the land that was set aside from the foundation of the world to stand for freedom.

Yours, K.

Thank you

I want to thank all of you , my dear friends, for your expressions of love and support. I know you all love me. It means so much to me. However, those of you who are blessed enough to live with their best friends, there is no substitute for having someone to welcome home or come home to. Someone who every day is your champion and there to cheer you on. Someone to hug. Someone to be quiet with. Someone to cry with. Someone with whom you feel you can (and want) to tell everything.
While you, my dear ones, have chosen wisely in love, I have not. I have been inpatient and followed a very immature impulse to be loved. You have been patient (some VERY patient!) I have been a fool and rushed in. It is my own fault and I pay the price everyday that I wake up alone.
The thing that makes me okay with my very bad choices is that I know you all have someone wonderful in your life. And despite many hart aches you have also been able to add wonderful little people to your life. This too is a source of great happiness on my part. With each child that I see of yours I can breath a sigh of relief and know that is one less child in the world that will have a childhood like mine. In fact they must be VERY special spirits to end up with you and as you know them best I'm sure you would agree that they are very very special.
Please do not worry or be sad for me. I am enough for all of us. Know that I am so happy for all of you. While I do not have it in my life I know that it is out there. I know there are husbands and wives that love each other deeply and count each day with the other a gift and I know there are children that have happy loving homes.
I also know there are plenty of very wonderful people, much better people, then myself who for whatever reason have not found eternal love in this mortal life. I know they will be given the chance. I will too.
I am also very blessed in that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with a very sweet spirit of my own. I would lie if I said I didn't long for a house full of them, but I realize that some people would give the world for one and that I am rich beyond measure. Korban is in the east and he is my sun (in every sense of the word).
I really am trying to be a good mom to him despite the crappy conditions I have given him as a unrespoceable parent. it is my sin and not his that he is not receiving the blessing of a two parent home. And while I love him and want to be everything to him I'm not a father. I also struggle daily having come from a pretty bad childhood of my own and have no positive "parent" to model myself from for those early years of parenting. I also struggle greatly due to the fact that the closest thing to a "mom" is gone. To quote a movie, "I died that day!" I did. Maybe that's why I am not a whole person any more. I can honestly say that id Korban were not in my life I know for a fact that I would have killed myself when Debbie died.
I have no one to tell all of this to, so I write it here. I can't keep it inside and I am tired of trying to hide it. You all deserve to know the kind of person I really am. I am really messed up. I thought I could be one of those people who can overcome a hard life and be better, but I guess I'm not. I really wish I was.
All I can hope is that Korban turns out half way decent, no thanks to me, and breaks the cycle I cannot.
Again, ty all so much for your kind words. I will be fine. I will make it through. I may never be the happy I want but I know I will have moments of happiness in my life and I am okay with that. I know Jesus said something along the lines that the sadness in this life is not worthy to be compared to the glory which will be revealed in us and that all of our tears will cease and we will be filled with joy. I know that is true. I know it with every part of me. I may not be happy in this life but I can be in the next. Honestly if I end up as one of those "helpers" in the houses of the celestial eternal companions I am cool with that. I just want to see the Savior again. I want to know what it's like to have a mom and dad that want me and love me. I want to be held by them. My blessing says I will. It says I have a heavenly Father and Mother who love me and want me. That's enough. maybe Jobe felt that too. I don't know. All I ask is that you just pray for me and especially for Korban, he deserves to be so happy. I do love all of you. I hope with all of my heart that YOU are the one that is happy. :)

Yours, K.