Back To Black

I was right! I am now back to being sad and sorry for myself! I am reading all my friends blogs and it seems like they are all preggers with their 2nd or 3rd child while I am stuck with no car, unmarried, and feeling like I will never have more then one child.
While I am VERY happy for all of them and for the little ones coming because I know they will have a wonderful life I can't help but be mad at myself for making such bad decisions relationship wise.
I also can't imagine what it's like to be preg and have a happy and excited partner. I am very very happy to have my little pookie but being preg was horrible for me. In every way. I was blessed to have one good friend (Sherrin) by my side, but other then that I was alone.
I remember coming home everyday after being on my feet at work all day and being at the bottom of some very steep old stairs that led to my barely one bedroom apartment and just wanting to cry. I was hormonal. Tired. Threw everything I ate up. Went to every doctor's appointment alone.
I was blessed to have Sherrin there to help me (TY) and had friends and family that threw me baby showers (another TY), but not having someone to want to feel Korban kick, rub my feet, let me sleep in, hold my hair back while I threw up for eight months, or even hug me was hard.
I have done a very good job in my life to not be jealous of the good things that my loved ones have in their lives, but I guess, as I have stated before, I am slipping because I am jealous. Happy yet jealous.
Just so tired of my life being stuck on pause. Sick of walking. Sick of having no spouse. Sick of being so far from those I love. Sick of my own very bad attitude.
I am so ready to have a boring boring life full of nothingness. I crave the day in and out of just living. I don't care if I ever have another exciting event ever happen in my life. I am hoping the move to AU will make this happen for me. Just want to leave here and be settled there. Never look back.

Yours, K.