Back To Black

I was right! I am now back to being sad and sorry for myself! I am reading all my friends blogs and it seems like they are all preggers with their 2nd or 3rd child while I am stuck with no car, unmarried, and feeling like I will never have more then one child.
While I am VERY happy for all of them and for the little ones coming because I know they will have a wonderful life I can't help but be mad at myself for making such bad decisions relationship wise.
I also can't imagine what it's like to be preg and have a happy and excited partner. I am very very happy to have my little pookie but being preg was horrible for me. In every way. I was blessed to have one good friend (Sherrin) by my side, but other then that I was alone.
I remember coming home everyday after being on my feet at work all day and being at the bottom of some very steep old stairs that led to my barely one bedroom apartment and just wanting to cry. I was hormonal. Tired. Threw everything I ate up. Went to every doctor's appointment alone.
I was blessed to have Sherrin there to help me (TY) and had friends and family that threw me baby showers (another TY), but not having someone to want to feel Korban kick, rub my feet, let me sleep in, hold my hair back while I threw up for eight months, or even hug me was hard.
I have done a very good job in my life to not be jealous of the good things that my loved ones have in their lives, but I guess, as I have stated before, I am slipping because I am jealous. Happy yet jealous.
Just so tired of my life being stuck on pause. Sick of walking. Sick of having no spouse. Sick of being so far from those I love. Sick of my own very bad attitude.
I am so ready to have a boring boring life full of nothingness. I crave the day in and out of just living. I don't care if I ever have another exciting event ever happen in my life. I am hoping the move to AU will make this happen for me. Just want to leave here and be settled there. Never look back.

Yours, K.

TY Dateline

By now everyone who doesn't live under a rock knows about the plane that crash landed in the Hudson and not only stayed in tact, but also rendered every single person on board alive with very few injuries (the worst being broken legs).
Of course I read about online, but it was very brief. I was just happy everyone was okay! I thought it was great that the plane was whole but my exact words were, "I care about people not planes." After having watched Dateline I realize what a miracle this landing was.
And anyone who had allowed me to get serious enough to start talking about God knows that I firmly believe that He is, and will always be, a God of miracles. This landing further proves it to me.
Everything that could have gone right, did. While our Heavenly Father can't prevent us from falling down in life, He can slow the fall and soften our landing. He did this for all those on that flight.
The pilot was AMAZING!!! He is a trained AF pilot. A veteran commercial pilot. And also very exp in another form of air travel that has to do with coasting landings. All of these things helped him land that plane on top of a river!!!! On top of that to keep the plane from ripping apart.
The water in the Hudson is frigid. Only minutes in it can literally kill you. The passengers were able to stand on the wings of the plane and stay dry after surviving what could have been a very deadly landing. The plane being in tact helped save the passengers many times over.
The Hudson is a large ferry boat area. Before the plane was fully evacuated there were apx six ferry boats evacuating passengers before any of them got wet. The ferries were able to travel with the current and continue to rescue. While some passengers did get wet it was minor exposure and very few had to be treated for hypothermia.
Despite this being a terrifying exp I'm sure, it's been told over and over that the passengers on the plane were orderly and calm. Everyone aboard rushed women and children out first. There was little chaos or panic. I am reminded of the poor man who got trampled to death at Wal-Mart by people who wanted cheap DVDs, the polar opposite of a reason to be that out of control, and these passengers who were literally facing death, stayed calm and dignified.
The emergency responders to the scene did an amazing job too. They were fast and coordinated, I am sure from lessons learned at 9/11. All the passengers said what a wonderful job all of them did.
It's just amazing how so many things went right. I could be writing this blog entry about how sad it is that families lost their loved ones and how I will be praying for them. But joy of joys, I am writing about miracles!
Also I LOVE NYC!!! The people there may be in your face and brutally honest, but once you have a friend you have friend for life. They love you there. They literally would give you the shirt off their backs. And honestly I would rather have someone in my face being honest then someone pretending they like me then doing the "christian" thing and talking about me behind my back, but I digress!
The pilot in my life was obviously more impressed by the landing and how skillful it was whereas, as I have said repeatedly, I am impressed by the fact that he did such an amazing job ensuring the safety of his passengers. He stayed calm, cool, and in control. He made amazingly wonderful decisions in split seconds. Those decisions saved 150+ lives. And as a truly good captain he was very last off the plane. Wow! In a day of "every man for himself" chivalry like that warms my heart!
So dear blog readers enjoy this brief ray of sunshine in my blogging, I'm sure I will be back to my crying about being stuck waiting by my next entry!
May all of you see the miracles I KNOW He has performed in your lives, no matter how small.

Yours, K.

"I survived"

I watch this show on the bio channel called, "I Survived." It's about people who have survived very traumatic events that otherwise would have normally killed someone. Sometimes it's a survival situation such as being ship wrecked or being attacked by and animal, but 90% are people who have survived the cruelty of another person(s). And of those stories 85% are stories of women being sexually assaulted.
I love/hate this show.
I listen to theses stories, and all it is, is the people sitting in front of the camera telling their story, and I am captivated. Amazed. At times when you'd think someone would fall apart and literally die, these people have moments of amazing clarity, and it saves their lives.
I also sit and cry a lot. I am in such disbelief at the cruelty of others (99.9% men). How anyone could do such horrible things to another human being and in some cases children too. How could any one person be so disconnected from their humanity that they can do things so unthinkable to another.
Another thing that seems to happen over and over when these stories is being told is of how most of these people's screams are literally ignored by people who are around them. Time after time people who can hear or see the events as they unfold do NOTHING. Not even call 911. The answer they all give is that they don't want to be involved. And for every person who doesn't help during the time of the crime there are a whole other set of people that refuse to help after the person has survived and is again seeking help. They have to walk blocks or miles to a public place for help because no one will stop their car or open their door to help. One woman stopped her car long enough to tell on of these victims she can't help because she'll be late for work!!!!
What the heck is wrong with all of us? We see people in need and look the other way. I have seen things on Dateline where they set up a fake scenario with actors to see how the public will react and sadly 90% of people do nothing.
This brings me to my next point.
While I am in complete disgust at the lack of humanity humans have I am equally in awe of the amazing will of people to survive. And in a very few cases (at least in the exp of the people who tell their stories on this show) the great love and kindness that can be shown to others.
These people survive being beaten, shot, stabbed, rapped, strangled, and run over (all done repeatedly). And more then the physical, they endure unimaginable emotional trauma.
They are terrified but not afraid. Maybe the first step in survival. They don't surrender completely at any time. And most, if not all, speak of a devine faith. They describe being there but "gone". Of blinding white light. Of unearthly calm. Of saying goodbye and feeling peace. Of being in the exact right place after the attacks to be rescued or reach help. In one instance of a sark attack a pod of 20 dolphins surrounded the survivor and protected him from being further attacked by the Great White. He said he knows he lived because of them.
So, this show makes me think of the eternal coin. Two sides to every situation. One head, one tails. To be or not to be.
I still can't pick a side.
I see the world and all it's horror and really want to give up most days. I feel like it's pointless, we are surrounded by darkness, there is no safe place left.
But then I am reminded of how light can penetrate the darkest of places and that one point of light is enough to destroy darkness. And that light can easily bend to go around things.
I often wonder if life is better described as winding, uphill, and bumpy path rather then straight and narrow. Nothing about my life has ever been a straight course or an easy one. Despite that it has still found goodness along the way. there have been times of happiness, though too short for me.
And despite it all I still hope. Hope for a life beside the man I love. Hope that if I am faced with it, I will be the one to answer someone's call for help no matter how late it makes me for work.

Yours, K.

Nothing New

So while I am in queue to play WoW, I thought I would update my blog. As the title indicates, nothing new has happened. Still waiting. Still walking everywhere. Still winter. Still feeling useless.
Not sure why but the holidays really sucked this year! I should have been happy, filled with the holiday spirit. My life was touched with kindness and good deeds. Of course Korban and I talked of the reason we have Christmas. Anything to do with the Savior is usually enough to make me happy, but not this year.
I feel like in my life Satan truly won this year. I feel sad and lonely. unable to see past my petty problems to all the good that is around. All I did Christmas day was cry and force myself to eat nothing but applesauce (made Mac n Cheese for Korban). I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could be like I used too. I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong in my life to make me so weak. I don't know. Sometimes I think it may be that even the strongest bridge can break if constant weight with no break is put upon it. That's how I feel. Put upon.
Yes I know there are those who suffer more. Those who are not ungrateful like me. Those who are the example of Christ-like faith and love. I am blessed to know many of them.
The only good thing I can say about this year is that it's nearly over! Thank goodness! This year can only be rivaled by 2001 when Katie lost her baby, the Twin towers fell, my husband left me, and I found myself homeless. I remember being sad then, but like I could keep moving on. Now I feel like a cess pool.
Wow, maybe I shouldn't have updated. This is mega depressing!!!! Sorry all!
Despite my uncalled for feelings, I hope all of you, my loved ones, are happy and warm. That you are enjoying a break from work to be with your spouses, children, and extended family. Please know that the only thing that still grows in my life is my love for all of you. Just want all of you to be happy and blessed.

Yours, K.

Warning! Contains "Women's Issues" Read At Your Own Risk!

Okay, so most of you know I am kind of a conservative "hippie". I love keeping things as "natural" as possible. Well in my effort to keep it "natural" for the past year (apx.) I have used a product called Lunapads. They are reusable pads.
Can I just say I LOVE THEM!!!! Now that I am a real girl and have real periods I can safely say they rock. I bought a mega pack that included a bunch of sizes and lengths for different flows etc. They are made out of very soft flannel and after use you soak them in cold water until you are ready to wash them (they also come with a mesh washing bag so they all stay together) and you wash them and you can dry them but I choose to let them air dry in an attempt to make them last longer. With careful use and washing they can be used for ten years!
You can choose whatever fabric you like (mine have a black background with flowers. I know, I know, but I am girly okay!) They have a snap to stay firmly onto your panties and fabric across the front and bottom so you can use extra removable pads if needed. I don't have to buy pads anymore, if I have a unexpected visit from aunt flo I'm always ready! And the best part (for me) is knowing I'm not filling some land fill with a bunch of unnecessary trash!
I know this choice isn't for everyone, but I'm very happy about it. I feel more in control of my body as a woman in making this choice not being pushed into buying commercial products that are inferior, more exp., and pollute the planet.
I just feel like in biblical times they used similar methods. They didn't pump their animals full of hormones and grind up old livestock to feed to the "in use" animals and then send it off for people to consume. They didn't have pesticides to cover the food they grew. They did none of this yet they lived hundreds of years! I think that says something.
If I am blessed one day to have more children I would really like to do it as natural as possible. If I can, and it is a safe choice, I hope to give birth at home in the care of a mid-wife. I would breast feed of course, as I did Korban, and I plan on using cloth diapers.
I know that God did make this earth for us to enjoy. I know it is fine to consume the plant and animal life and that they were made for this purpose, but I also feel that as a wonderful gift we should also take care of it the best we can.
Don't worry I'm not about to go Amish or anything! I love in door pluming! I love washers and dryers! I love heat! I love not having to slaughter my own food! I am all for tech, but I am also for making a bit more effort to make sure this wonderful gift of life and the planet last as long as possible!
I doubt I will have any takers but if anyone out there is interested in learning more about reusable sanitation products email me and I will hook you up. No I don't get ant kick back from this other then knowing I'm helping women I love and the planet. Also this is not some Mary Kay type thing where I want you to be my minion and sell Lunapads for me, I have just loved using them and didn't know they existed until I was doing research online about the symptoms of PMS (since I had never had it til then!) and saw an article on reusable pads and then (with the google masters help) found best valued fit of reusable pads for me. Anyway, I love them and wanted to take time to write about it on my blog maybe three people read! Now less since this is a "woman's issue" post! LOL!

Yours, K.

PS - I also use a reusable herbal heat pad from Lunapads. Heaven!