Blog On

okay, so I have never been good at this blog stuff. I am getting old, 27. So, I am not all hip and up to date like I once was in my teens! I guess teenagers really do know it all! I had a lot more going on when I was a teenager anyway. Now, I am a bit boring and do nothing to contribute to society as a whole.I was born into a family that I fit into like a very round peg in a very square nob! I feel like a total outsider when I am around the people that share my DNA. I sometimes am driving and actually think, "I can't believe I came from THAT gene pool!". I know they all consider me the "joke" of the family, but not in a good way, in the bad way. Like the uncle that does nothing to bring shame to the family name, except I'm not a guy and I haven't really done anything "shameful". I just don't fit and I can't figure out why. When I was younger I kind of just stayed away for a while because I felt it was hopeless. Than as I got older and "wiser" as they would say. I made an effort to try and be a part of them. I really did want to have some kind of family "closeness" with the people that I can from biologically speaking. I spent many unwanted hours at family gathers feeling inadequate and lonely in a group of people that not only share my last name but look so much like me. I can only wonder what words of disappointment they must have said at those parties while I was "gone"Try as I might to make that connection, I never could and still can't. I feel so much closer to strangers than I do my own bio family. I should also include the info that I did grow-up in foster care from the age of 12 until I graduated from high school. While I was in foster care I found "my family". The people I feel about emotionally, that I would imagine you SHOULD feel emotionally about those people who share your DNA. I found people who LOVE me despite me. Some how manage to see the best in me even when I really suck! People who don't measure my self worth by what I weigh or what brand of cloths I wear or where I went to college, but by the content of my char and the content of my heart. How is it, that people who were strangers to me (teachers, classmates, my case worker), would care and could see those things in me and yet to this very day, this hour, this min, this sec, those who have my blood in their blood don't.They think I am overly emotional and try and create drama in my life when in fact all I want, honestly, is to live quietly and be happy and do quiet, small, random acts of kindness for others. I want to be a dear friend, dependable, a good mom, a person who knows matters of true consequence.I guess I need to accept that forevermore I am going to be messed up inside and that is just my burden to bear. To always wonder why I was never good enough for my family and a joke to them no matter what I did one way or the other and only hated slightly less than my pathetic Uncle Tim who has stolen money from everyone in the family and has to get a new job and place to live every three months because he tries to live a life of lies and steals from Peter to pay Paul. All I ever did was tell the truth in that family. I have never borrowed money without repaying it (and I can count on ONE hand the times I ever had to ask to borrow money), I have always tried to show my thanks for help via a verbal thanks or more often a home made card because if I ever got one (which I haven't) it would mean a lot tome that someone took the time to make the card with just me in mind and that is so much better than a very nice and exp store bought card.But I keep forgetting, I am not like them so they would, of course, not appreciate that, and just think I am being cheap and making it to save money and not spend it on some very nice, "professional" card that they deserve. They can't see the love and time that I put into those TY cards and so it is all very pointless.I don't think I have EVER heard any of my bio family ever say they were proud of me for anything. Not one. Of course they think I lied about being abused by their fellow family member so that makes me marked for life to begin with. Anything I got after that I deserved for "lying" and trying to ruin his good name because I was such a spoiled brat. Being in foster care, feeling like an object rather than a person because that is all you are, is my own fault because I "lied". God is just giving me the punishment I deserve for "dishonoring" those I should "honor"no matter what. Because I stood up for myself at the age of 12 because no one else would protect me, I deserve to be punished.Sadly (and this is even sadder!!!! I am just now figuring this out at 27!!!) this is how the world is. Good, good, people get kicked in shit while rapist and murders get to live good lives. People lie and good, honest people have to suffer and even if they are proved beyond a doubt that it was a false accusation, they forever carry the label put upon them by some hateful soul. Who are these people? Hoe can their lives be so BAD that they want to ruin other peoples'???? The sad part is most of them have never really had to suffer much at all! Yet they still do this to others. I don't get it! I am still mystified why 1% of the population owns 90% of the countries wealth and they are all selfish dicks (with a few exceptions of course!), and those with nothing are so willing to give what they have to help others???? I guess the proverb of the widow's mite speaks still today. The very rich in her time gave little and she had nothing and gave it all.I have to believe that there is some kind of "eternal justice" after this life or I would probably just shoot myself and end the farce of living. I have to believe that some day those murders and rapists and dishonest misery makers are going to be judged by someone that can't fool or manipulate. That they will pay for what they have done and for me payment enough would be to literally feel and exp. the pain that they have caused others. One person after another of the pain until they have had to feel it all and then if they are left standing THEN be given the chance to one apologize to those they hurt and then two be allowed to ask for forgiveness for what they did.Man, I am such a downer!!!! Sorry, it's just how I feel and I'd rather get it out and cry and cry, then hold onto it. I have no one to tell. I have no "best friend" that I can cry to so I guess this blog is it for me. Hopefully there will be a day when I can tell this blog about how great things are going and how happy I am.I'm working on it. I'm working on seeing life for what it really is and not letting the sadness of it all crush me. I am trying to be that one lonely daisy in a field of thorny yet beautiful roses that makes the difference. That keeps going and reaching for the light despite being different, small, and alone.I know one person, with enough courage, CAN make a difference not only in their own lives (which is all I want), but in the world! Rosa Parks, what an amazing woman! Harriet Tubman! Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Theresa. All great people that changed the world.Sometimes I feel strong enough to make it despite my rose colored glasses of youth finally being shattered, and sometimes I feel sad and weak like today.All I can so is take my anti-depressant, hope my hormone level out (being a woman and all) and pray when I wake that sunshine filters through my blinds making little lines of blessed light across my bedspread as I open my eyes. Then I can see it IS another day, and I CAN hope that today the little guy who tells the truth is going to win over the giant that lies at any expense to get what he wants.I think I know that my "treasure" will never be found in this realm of life and that it will never be something that I can literally see or touch, but it will be something I must wait for and something that I can feel and once I do it is mine to feel for eternity or as long as my essence is allowed to linger.So feel sorry for the Giant and his obsession with gold and the world because one day (yes, like all stories, one day too late), he will reach for his gold only to find gold helps no one and won't start by helping him.Okay I feel a little better now. This is all just for me anyway. I doubt anyone would want to read this, or how would they, I don't even know, like I said I am 27 and not "hip" and "in" anymore!Goodbye for now my blog, I hope I am a better blogger than journal keeper or you won't be hearing from me again til I'm 29!!!!!